A Short Guide to Comparative Religions - The Shit List
Taoism - Shit happens.
Confucianism - Confucius say, “Shit happens”.
Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism - This shit happened before.
Mormonism - This shit is going to happen again. Stockpile.
Islam - If shit happens, it is the Will of Allah.
Protestantism - Make shit happen to someone else.
Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to us?
Catholicism - Shit happens because you deserve it.
Islamic Fundamentalism - Shit happens because they deserve it.
Calvinism - Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Shinto - Shit is everywhere, so as long as you’re stepping in it, show it some respect
Ba’hai - All shit is truly shit.
Stoicism - This shit is its own reward.
Atheism - I don’t believe this shit.
Missionaries - Belive in shit, or we’ll boil you in it.
Seventh Day Adventist - Shit happens on Saturdays.
Amish - Shit dost occur.
Mennonite - None of this modern shit now.
Mormonism - Your shit is shit, but our shit is the ONE TRUE shit.
Platonism - There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.
Enlightenment - I shit therefore I am.
Agnosticism - Shit may or may not be happening; we don’t know shit.
Existentialism - Absurd shit.
Logical Positivism - Shit = S + H + I + T
Nihilism - Who gives a shit?
Altruism - Want some shit?
Capitalism - How much will this shit cost?
Communism - It’s everybody’s shit.
Marxism - The workers take all the shit, but they’re gonna dish it back out again.
Deconstruction - Shit happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.
Creationists - We have proof that God created all the shit that happens.
TV-Evangelism - You need our shit! Dial 78910-SHIT right now!!
Christian Science - Shit is in your mind.
Moonies - Only happy shit really happens.
Jehovah’s Witnesses - Knock, knock, shit happens.
Scientology - Shit happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard
Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama ding ding.
Transcendental Meditation - Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. …
Astrology - Ur-anus transits.
Murphism - Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place.
Voodoo - Let’s dump some shit on someone.
Hedonism - There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Yuppieism - It’s my shit! All mine!
Rastafarianism - Let’s smoke this shit.